I am a pretty forward person. I dont understand the logic in beating around the bush or..saying things you dont mean so people like you/dont think you're an asshole/bitch. It really pisses me off to be honest. You are only gunna live life once...and time passes by very quickly... so why live your life that way? It just doesn't make sense to me.  Say what you mean and Do what you feel... and have people love or hate you for it.  Don't tell people what you think they want to hear or say things you don't really mean so people don't think you are a horrible person. EVERYONE makes mistakes, EVERYONE does horrible things, EVERYONE treats another person like shit at one point in their life. We are all human.  What truly makes you a bad person is when you deny it and make yourself out to be something you're not. Admit your mistakes. Be honest. Don't sugarcoat so you don't seem the bad guy.

If you fucked up, and you are sorry about it.....apologize! Its that simple and its that difficult. Apologies go a long way.. when they are sincere. and yes.. sometimes it is too late to apologizeeeeee * sings *.. getting off track here.. but seriously. on the flip side... if you ARENT sorry than DONT apologize. Apologies are worthless when they arent sincere.. and it only makes the person delivering the insincere apology more of a jerk. People can put on a good show.. but most of the human race can tell the difference between a sincere apology and an insincere apology. If you are truly sorry about a wrong you have done to someone.. then let go of your pride or whatever the hell you want to call it and apologize. Don't left apologies unsaid. People hold resentment. It may be hard for you to tell someone flat out.. i did a horrible thing.. i fucked up.. and so on and so forth.. and that person may or may not forgive you or even want to hear it... but if something happened to that person or you just never saw them again... would you really want them to think less of you cause you couldnt even say you're sorry?

If you aren't into someone... and they ask you about it... fucking tell them. Don't make up excuses. If you do make up excuses you are either .. wanting to keep them around so you can get attention when you want it.. or you just don't want that person to think of you as a jerk. But trust me!!!!!!!....... telling someone how you honestly feel about them will not make you a jerk.. what makes you a jerk is fucking with someones head... thats when people hold resentment.. thats when people think you're a jerk.


Don't tell someone what you think they want to hear or make up some bullshit excuses.. and then string them along so you can come back when you sniff around and can't find anything better.. so you come back home.. aka the person who you know will be there for you. Thats the lowest of lows! Be a woman or a man and don't bother with someone if you don't really want them.. if you're still thinking theres something better. That just isnt right. Even if the person calls you or whatever ... ignoring them would be mean... but.. telling them things they want to hear, things you don't actually feel... well.. that's cruel. Like seriously...don't boost your ego while at the same time making someone else feel like shit.

My best friend, Vanessa, told me once that she loves the way i treat people. I didn't tell her at the time.. but that comment actually meant alot to me.  Heres my thing. If i love you... i will do ANYTHING for you. I will listen to you bitch for hours on the phone. I will take you shopping to make you feel better. I will give you advice. I will make you smile when you are down.I will take you on drives to clear your mind. I will bake you a cake and show up at your door with a goody bag when you get into an accident.  I will leave a bag full of being sickies remedies at your front door. I will make you dinner. I will pay for you dinner. I will loan you money. I will write a list of 101 reasons why i love you and leave it on your windshield for your birthday. I will spoil you. I won't ever intentionally hurt you. I will always be honest with you. I will give you all I have.

Some people think you should do whatever the hell you want and fuck everyone else and their feelings. Some people think you should always think about other's feelings over your own. I find myself somewhere in between. I will do what I want. I will do what I feel is right. However, I always think about whether what im going to do is going to  seriously hurt someone I love. So I find myself somewhere between selfish and a pushover... which I feel is a good place to be. Some people in my life have been extremely selfish though... and i just don't understand how they live like that... i honestly just dont get it.

Also...after reading the last two books i read... I think... in the dating world... there is wayyyyyyy too much bullshit. Games are meant to be played with cards,chips, game pieces, money, etc...... NOT hearts. If you want someone... go get them. Don't ever let anything get your way. Fuck the past and Fuck the future.. if you feel you can make that person happy.. if you feel that you can't live without that person or that you'd regret never trying... then go for it. Don't make excuses of  well their family hates me, they can never trust me, im too busy to have a relationship, im too young to be tied down, i dont wanna hurt the friendship... all that is.. is bullshit. Sorry but its true.  If you want someone that much.... do whatever it takes to get their famiy's respect, do whatever it takes to get their trust , there is always time in your life for love, you are never too young to be with someone who could be your future husband/wife, friendships are the best foundation.. and if you are truly that good of friends... then one day you will be friends again even if things dont work out. Even if you have failed at all of things before... time changes alot of things.. and if you want the person.. than you will go for it. If you DON'T want to be with the person.. than again, don't string them along. If its an ex, let them go, really let them go.  Cut them out of your life... completely. If you stick around cause you want to keep the person there in case you can't find anyone better.. that person WILL .. i promise you this... end up at the very least.. resenting you for life..and at the worst... hating you. I don't think anyone wants someone hating them or resenting them forever. If you really think you can do better, than go do better.. but don't fuck with someone else's heart. Its just not right. Its actually really shitty.

Everyone gets weak. Old habits die hard i understand that. and at certain times in your life.. its okay to be weak. But still, fucking with peoples hearts just good. If you get weak, admit your weakness and don't disguise it with words you dont actually mean. Also dont go on and on about change if you don't actually plan on going through with it or saying fuck it the first time you are tempted to give into your old ways.


All in all. Apologize for your wrongs. Fuck the bullshit. Be yourself. Don't be oh so selfish. If you want someone.. do whatever it takes to at least try to get em. You will never regret putting effort into someone you want that badly. If you don't want someone.. don't lead them on.


This isn't about any one person. I promise. Parts of it.. yes. but... mostly.. its just me getting out some frustration and pouring out some things i've learned.

I know im great and any guy is lucky to have me.If any guy thinks they can do better, than thats their loss. Perhaps they never really realized what they had. Or if there wasn't a real deep connection... perhaps they will just find someone who is a better fit.

Lately, life has been so amazing. I'm just so cheerful and giddy all the time. Whats going on in my life that caused this? A man? Thats the funny part...nothing and no one caused this but me. I am just happy. After such a long time I'm finally myself again. I can't quite put my finger on it but something has shifted. Something is so different in me and I have to say, it feels pretty damn amazing.

For the past 6-7 years, my happiness depended on the guy i was interested in... and I blame no one for that but myself.  I was so dependent on the men that have been in my life that when the relationship crashed and burned ...so did i. Thats no way to live you life. and i am a firm believer in living your life! But ah, how the tables have turned.  I am just happy.. being me.

I used to  need a guy for the validation that i was wanted, loved..etc. To have someone to be close to. I used to crave sex for the connection for the passion. But, I know my good qualities and I know my faults and i dont need anyone to point either of them out for me to feel secure, confident, and wanted. I know what i am, and its take it or leave it. Love me or hate me.. this is me. I am going to try to improve the things i don't like about myself.. but thats for me.. not because some guy doesnt like it and told me to change.

I can't say that Im gunna go looking for the love of my life.. I believe the good things come in life when you're not looking. And in my experience.. when i have gone out trying to get a man.... the ones i would get would exactly what im NOT looking for. I'm not saying that i'm swearing off men or anything.. when the right guy comes along.. I'll know. And I'm not saying im not gunna flirt or date. I will, im just not giving anyone a piece of me unless i know they are worth it. Maybe i will never find the love of my life or maybe i'll meet him tomorrow.. all I know is I'm not gunna be chasing some guy who's not really worth it and i'm not gunna be sitting around waiting for mr. right to come along. Im just gunna do my own thing... get back to school.. just improve my life.. and most importantly live my life. And when a great comes along i will gladly give him my heart. Im not saying i dont want love or that i wouldnt be happier if i had love... i know that i would be happier if i were in love and i do want to have a special someone.. but you cant just take some guy and build him up to be someone he isnt. And i cant live my life in limbo until he comes along. So im happy just being me.

The only downfall is this... tomorrow is 3 years since my pop died.. and i dont have a special someone to hold me and talk to me and all that.I really wish I did. Im gunna be off of work and alone.. and its gunna kill me.

soo today i was called a masochist. i'd be lying if i said it didnt get to me. am i a masochist? is that why i have gone back to my ex so many times? is that the reason why i started dating him in the first place? intriguing thought.

Maybe i am. Its a very real possibility. However, it could just be... when it comes to people i care about i tend to see the good  over the bad. I tend to fight for what i love. I dont give up on who or what i love. When most people would say enough is enough or  he /she hurt me they can go fuck themselves..i think of the good things they brought into my life and say well.. maybe it will be better this time. After time though, this gets ridiculous and even i give up. Thats the point that im at.

This time around, this person, was different, never felt the way i felt about him before. I held on far too long to someone who could never be as good of a person as i thought he could be. Never deserved my time and efforts.

For the first time... i can honestly say... i dont want anything to do with him. No more contact. I had him blocked on aim.. but when i thought about it... i dont need to block him.. cause i just dont want to talk to him like theres no motivation for me to. Not to mention, the real test is being able to talk to him, but not wanting to... and i just.. dont. I have just been thinking he was alot of a better person than he actually is.

He speaks of change, of turning over a new leaf. ...for his sake i hope he is being true.. because he will end up miserable if he isnt. But.. to me he is like the boy he cried wolf.. I fell for the boy who cried wolf.. except it was  the boy who cried love. or the boy cried change. Many a times i have started talking to him again or he has started talkin to me... and cried love.. well not "cried".. but you catch my drift.. declaring his honest  love for me.. telling me how much he missed me and that  he was gunna be with me for real. I used to think he was true.. but.. after so many times.. you just realize hes the boy who cried love. Now i doubt hiim ever truly loving me. He doesnt cry love anymore though... but for the change part........Many a times he has told me he was gunna be different and he was done being an asshole.. but it never happened. So i'd like to believe hes gunna change.. but well.. when i see it.. i'll believe it, cause he ruined all the faith i ever had in him.

I only wish i could have him completely out of my life. I want to ACTUALLY move on COMPLETELY. i just really want to be away from him. To not have to see him at all. That idea seems so amazing to me... it would be like  a permanent vacation. Im just so tired of him. tired of everything about him. Especially the way he talks to me and treats me. When i am a bitch, i apologize immediately.. Sometimes i overreact and assume things or just get irrationally bitchy but im human... and i always apologize..

Love makes you become someone you've never seen.. the loss of love makes you become someone you dont even recognize. This isnt me.. the real Krista is strong, cute,smart,cooky,independent, confident.. not trying to cling to someone who never really loved you in the first place, trying to cling to the memory of what we were. I've been a nut...i have.. i have been needy,psycho, depressed all that jazz.... but that night has met its dawn.. and its time for a new day..... fo realz!!!

All in all... im just tired of that same old story.. its time to flip the page and get on to the next chapter.

I've been thinking alot about the past, which might sound like something dangerous ....considering its something that used to make me cry or take me back to somewhere i shouldn't go. However, lately.. its quite the opposite.

Its funny how time changes everything.. it really is. 

Lets go back, wayyy back... to Nick. I dont think most people have ever even heard me speak of him unless you knew me in junior high.  I was completely just infatuated with the kid. He was the first guy i ever liked beyond looks. He had me wrapped around his little finger and he picked me up and threw me away again and again like i was nothing. He used to make fun of me and flirt with my best friends... sound at all familiar? lol. Anywho.. what the hell i saw in the kid? i honestly dont know... i dont know why i cared so much but i did. I spent alot of nights crying over that kid.. and i am certain that if you know who im talking about you are thinking...actually you're probably laughing and wondering what the hell i was doing. And looking back now, everyone was completely right.. the kid was definitely never worth my tears or my frustration... however.. try to tell me that back then? it was like hitting your head off a wall.  This is where my depression first reared its ugly head.  I tried doing very stupid things, hell i even decided i wanted to be homeschooled .. changed my mind a few weeks later but still. I know i was really young, and it wasn't even love... but he just really got under my skin. After way too many times and too many second chances.. i grew cold towards him... and what i felt for him felt like a distant memory. I didnt speak to the kid for a year.. and i never felt anything for him at all since.. but like i said.. try to tell me back in the heat of it all... that one day i wouldnt feel anything for him... i would have listened to you.. but never really heard you.

With Brian.. well..i don't have anything bad to say about him to be honest.  The only thing i could never have it in my heart to forgive him for  was when he was a no-show at my pop pops wake and such when he said hed be there. I mean its just something  i could never forgve or forget.. but yah know.. no one is perfect and i dont hate him for it. Some people asked me what the hell i ever saw in him.. but.. he was always kind to me, he made me laugh, he was just a great friend. As a couple, i knew it wasnt gunna last... but i did love him. He was my first love and there was a time i thought i'd never get completely over him. There was alot of sleepless nights and alot of tears.. but as time passed the feelings faded. And now im happy to see him with a new nice girl. But tell me back then i would feel the way i do now.. i would have never believed you.

Now if you were tell me 6 months ago. that i'd feel the way i do now about Matt.. i wouldnt of believed you. Not to say that all wounds are healed.. but still. I only spoke of 3 guys/relationships here, but these 3 are the only guys who ever really had any piece of me.

Its just funny the way things change.. the way people change.... the way feelings change....the way your perception of people,relationships, and past experiences changes.  Especially when i look back at the way i acted and the way i felt in the fall of '06.. Honestly, it was like i was a totally different person. Looking back, i would never do that shit. I have morals! lol. Contrary to popular belief, im not all about sex, i like it.. but i am a lady in alot of respects. lol.

Looking back at the person i thought Matt was and the things i thought he'd never do or say.. only to see him do those and say those exact things.. in some cases even worse. The way i looked at him before vs the way i see him now. it just amazes me.

Looking back on how much i took my grandfather's presence for granted, well lets not even go there. After he died i thought i'd never get on with my life.. and i think about him everyday and miss him everday.. but i get on with my life... because you have to.. you have to LIVE.

New people come into your life, you start to feel new things, you have new experiences.. or maybe not even new.. but different.. and the cycle continues.. you get on with your life..you realize what you once had, what you never had, what you could have.. and it drives you. Recently i've experienced some new things and some new people have come into my life.. and it made me realize that life does go on.. new feelings do come.

So quickly some forget who was there for them when they needed someone the most, who has always been there through thick and thin, who takes the bad with the good, who does anything you ask, who is true, who just gives you everything they have. Not that anyone is perfect... but to some..its not good enough...

When it comes down to it, you shouldn't make someone a priority who makes you an option.  you shouldnt put your entire body out there on a limb for someone who wouldnt put one foot out for you. You shouldnt waste your time on someone who doesnt realize what they have. You shouldn't go out of your way to give your all to someone who takes for granted what you give. You shouldnt treat someone like gold who treats you like are nothing. Lifes too short for that.

In the end... you have to stay true to your beliefs.. like for me, its love,karma,fate, soulmates, my friends and myself. I believe love will conquer on when its with the right person. I  just genrally believe in love. I believe in karma, and what goes around comes around, the bad things you do will come back to get you and the same with the good you do. I believe in fate and soulmates.. and whatever happens was meant to happen.. and there is one person who is meant to be with another. I believe in my friends they are amazing. Most of all, i believe in myself, even though at times i havent, i do. I can get through anything. Im gunna get back to school. Im just going to better my life in general. i am amazing .. i have alot to offer..and all that mumbo jumbo.

<3

So since the ex and I broke up yet again.. you're probably expecting some long post about how much of an asshole he is and how i am done with him forever and ever.... wellll.. i've moved on from that.  Im just gunna state what i learned.. and however it sounds i dont really care. I dont have to say that im done forever and ever.. because well this should speak for itself.. and besides  who the hell knows what the future holds. Im not saying i plan on ever being with him... and im just saying anything can happen.


Im just gunna say a few things about the situation.   From the moment I met the kid, I had that feeling, that feeling that everyone talks about..... "the one".... where you cant explain how or why.. just for some reason in your heart you feel this is it. As time went on the feeling only got more intense and more certain. Never felt it before. Unfortunately, the feeling, which i was lead to believe was mutual, turned out to be quite the opposite. Also, unforunately for me, that fire that sparked in my heart halloween '06... couldnt seem to die out.. no matter how many galllons of water  he or i'd throw on it.. so to speak. The fire inside my heart was a very dangerous one, but isnt it always in matters of love? It was dangerous in many ways..... it was so bright they i became memorized by it... that brightness that was brought by it was something i was so drawn to i couldnt stay away...... the fire kept me warm... everytime he smiled at me, everytime he'd hold me in his arms, everytime he'd tell me he loved me..etc. ... the fire sent a signal that yes! there was something alive.. my heart as gay as that might sound after a long time of feeling numb.. i was alive... never thinking... this fire could burn me right to the core. Since August... everytime he'd leave, everytime he'd say i wasnt the one, or that some other spring chicken was hot or was a babe... it was as if  someone was pushing me into the fire.. cause i kept getting burned. Everytime i'd try and get out and stay away from that fire... those things that made it so dangerous came into play even more so... cause i'd come back for more.. because that fire had not died out.. Everytime I'd come back...I'd get burned deeper and deeper... until it had completely consumed me. I panicked. I let it eat me up. I let it consume me. I lost control. It was only a matter of time before the fire died though... Once the smoke cleared, so did my mind, my heart, and my vision. I see him for what he is. It doesnt matter what he says or what I have said to him. Actions speak louder than words. The little things that someone does or doesnt do have a lot more of an effect that what someone might say in the heat of the moment. If he wanted things to work out, and he was gunna do everything to make it work, one little comment over the phone wouldnt have led to our demise. I dont swear on my pop pop's name unless i am telling the truth. I may have been intoxicated and consumed by the fire, but i am not stupid. I know a certain someone probably got turned down last week and thats why i was the one he came back to. I wanted it back again, because of that damn fire! I see a man of convenience.. who says what he needs to say to get what he wants.. or at least try to. I thought there stood before me a guy who truly loved me. Maybe he did love me, but it wasnt true. If  love is true you dont punk out  and throw in the towel as he did. I see a man who doesnt really care about how his actions may effect the lives of others. I see a man who never truly appreciated what he had. I see a man who was much more quick to give me up for my flaws than keep me for all my amainz qualities(which i think theres way  more good than bad). I see a man who is insecure. Now that i see the truth, theres no more being blinded by a fire. I am not bashing him or saying that i will never speak to him again... im stating what i see. I see the truth, right through all the bullshit, flip flopping, mixed signals,right through that damn fire and finally right through him.

 He is not a bad guy, he has put up with alot from me.. especially last night. I do give him alot of credit cause i have put him in some rough spots. He was right when he said i am like two diff people i can be completely nice one minute and cold and bitchy the next.. i mean i was like that because i had been so afraid of getting burned again i felt i had to defend myself.. which didnt really make me look all that appealing. And in the past he has brought many smiles to my face... unfortunately he doesnt truly love me. and.. when it comes down to it.. i cant settle for anything less than true love.


I fight for what I love... and I love me!!!!... so im gunna fight for me. I want the real me back. The Krista you all know and love... and Im certain she is well on her way back.. with improvements!

The improvements... bring sexyback as well as my intelligence... aka.. shape up, take care of the way i present myself a little better.. put some effort in... and get back to school or at least take steps to improving my education and intelligence. Also, im gunna work on my mental health.. i dont think you should need medication to make you happy.. i think i can deal with somethings on my own.. and learn to not get so down on myself.. and to not be so bitchy or depressed when im trying to protect myself.. cause.. well lets face it.. im fucking amazing... and even though i've been burned.. im gunna take what i learned keep in my pocket, but learn to love like i've never been hurt. Cause im genuinely a happy and optimistic person... i just have been letting the bad get in.

But hey... what hasnt killed me.. has only made me stronger.


I love it!!

 I've been very caught up in  whats right and wrong.  I think its time to let go of everything thats been holding me back. I think its time to start doing things for ME.

The truth of the matter is, lately i have been staying in an awful lot. I have been caught up in my past and what I felt was meant to be. I've just been trying to keep myself from breaking down. To be honest, I gave my ex a part of me that I may never get back. I have felt incomplete. Like this void I have inside me will never be filled. Yes, I have tried everything  to  try and fill it, but it doesnt work. Since we broke up, I have been concentrated on either trying to get him back or trying to get over him.... instead of concentrating on me.  I have been focused on  whether i love him or not, whether we were meant to be or not, what i did wrong, what he did wrong, does he stll love me, did he ever love me, does he want me, would he ever be with me again, what will i do when he finds someone new, when i will i find someone new.... you catch my drift?

Since my ex got into a car accident, i have been ever more so focused on how hes doing, how he feels, what he needs, how i feel about him, how he feels about me. When he told me he got into an accident my heart stopped. When I went to go visit him for the first time, all the wrongs he had done to me didnt seem to matter so much and all I was concerned about was him and how he was. I was ready to give him whatever he wanted or needed. I was there for him.... against what most people in my life told me i should do. I couldnt help it though, even though we were together and I got into  car accident he didnt care. He says he did, and he was at work that day.. but if he cared... he would have stopped by when he got out of work, he would have called... something. But.. its just not me to not care. Its just not me to pretend i wasnt concerned because he had hurt me so deeply in the past.  I said forever and I meant it. If he ever really needs me, I will be there.

 If you know me, you know I love sex and the city. And to understand me, watch sex and the city. Because honestly, sometimes I really feel like Pickies is my Mr. Big. No matter how much Mr. Big fucked with Carrie's head, and all the mistakes they made with each other. They were always there for each other even when all her friends told her to stay away. there was a connection like no other  that no one else could seem to understand. but hey that was a tv show and this is real life.

Theres something i need to say. I fucked up alot in my last relationship... it wasnt all him.  I didnt want him around any girl that didnt have a boyfriend. I didnt trust him. He basically spent all his time with me. I thought he was happy with that.. but that was stupid of me to think. I was ready to change my ways after we broke up. Thats the thing about the mistakes you make, you learn and grow from them. I have. And in my next relationship I will learn to trust and make sure my man spends time with his friends.


But what about Krista? What about what I want? What about what I need?  I love me. Its time to start showing that. Im going to go out and enjoy myself more rather than sitting at home all cooped up. I am amazing. Im cute, sweet,compassionate, giving, funny, adorable and more. And if you know me, than you know this. I know Im capable of love, of forgiveness, of compromise. Honestly, i deserve to be treated like a queen because I treat my men like kings. Its time to let go and forget all the pain and dissappointments and  remember how wonderful I am.

My ex says he wants his freedom. And im not stupid, I know im just one of many girls he flirts with and stuff. But what we had, the connection that is there is different than anything else. I know that by not being with me, hes ultimately saying he wants something better. But, hes never gunna find someone like me. I  have been more than wonderful to him and yes i have faults, faults that i was ready to fix. If he ever did lose all the girls, let go of all the flirting and actually realized what he had, what he did... i might be compelled to forgive, maybe we could even be friends one day.  What we had was amaziing and no matter what happened afterwards, those memories will be with me forever. We could have made so many more amazing memories together. Its a shame really. We  just work so well together. We are like a dynamic duo. We were best friends, we always listened to each other, we always made each other laugh, the sex was amazing... everything was right except the trust. Which could have been fixed. A love like that is rare. Its precious. So im not gunna cut what we had down to a lie. It was amazing.

Sometimes my dear,you just need to say fuck it. Fuck whats meant to be or not, fuck whats right or wrong. Who the hell knows what will happen in the future. Maybe  I will meet the love of my life in the next two weeks. Maybe i will meet him in  the next two years. Maybe my ex will grow up and realize what he gave up. Maybe not. Maybe I will be completely over him one day. Maybe not. The point of the matter is, im just gunna live and stop worrying about the definites, the wrongs, the nevers, and focus on what makes me happy and what I feel is right.



FYi: I have made my decision about a certain living situation. I know its the right one.

Im no angel.. Im quite aware of this fact. I have done plenty of things im not proud of.. but havent we all?  I am a good person though. lol.however.... lately, I have been feeling like its time to start being a  bit of the devil.

Women are supposed to be nuturing, compassionate, and generous by nature. Sometimes though, it gets to be a little much. You want everyone you love to be happy which is good and all, but then when you start to put others happiness above your own...99% of the time..well...thats a problem. You forgive more than you should and  end up just getting dissappointed in the end. You give your time, your money, your heart, yourself, to someone without thinking about the consequences or what you will get in return for giving whatever you choose to give. And its not just romantic relationships either. Its not that the people in my life are such horrible people.

Honestly, its me. Maybe I need to stop being Miss Nicey Pants.... especially in some situations. A few months ago I realized that no one is gunna take care of you but you, no one is gunna do whats best for you all the time, no ones always gunna be there to help you. You need to take care of you. See I know this, but when it comes down to it, I tend to not take care of myself but rather do things to keep the peace, to make things not be so akward or unfriendly, to settle fights even if i may have been right, to give in to someone cause they seem sad, and do/say whatever it takes to not end things on a bad note. It honestly bothers me if the last convo or interaction I have with someone ends in a bad way. I just always think (not to sound depressing) what if something happens to either me or the other person or just if i never see them again.... like things just shouldnt be left in a bad way. If someone I care about is having a bad day at work I try to cheer them up in whatever way I can whether it be a hug, a kiss, or just by being my random self....and what do i get back? i get told i smell like stripper and just get generally treated like i aint shit. I let  people continue to be in my life that in reality i want very much out of my life because again I cant stand things to be awkward or harsh. I apologize to stubborn people and make them feel  better  about things im right about just because i feel life is too short.i could go on and on... but the point of the matter is.... does doing all this make me happy? NO


Im just SO tired of it. Seriously. Some may think they are stronger than me, and maybe some are.. but  most of what I do isnt about strength.. its about me and my obessive need to keep peace with the people in my life and to do whatever i can to cheer up, be there whatever the case may be.. for the people i care about.Dont get me wrong, I stand up for what I feel and think is right. I am honest and say whats on my mind. And there is some people that give me what i give them like Vanessa. And some people are there for me sometimes when i need them..But when it comes down to it...


 Enough is enough.

So its the first few hours of Christmas Eve... and at Christmas you are supposed to forgive and forget, let all problems and differences fall behind you. Christmas is supposed to be about love and happiness... or something like that ... right? Well I feel the opposite.

I am not happy... no where near it. I admit it. I know what stands between me and happiness or at least feeling content.... but theres not much I can do about this obstacle. Some tell me to ride it out. Some tell me to find something new so this obstacle wont be an obstacle anymore. Some tell me to fix whats wrong. But these are all easier said than done. I feel stuck. Trapped. I am tired of this feeling. Working with my ex just isnt working out.. if i said seeing him doesnt bother me.. i'd be lying. I get miserable when I see him. Disgusted sometimes. I tried to ignore these feelings.. but they are real and they are there. I consider myself a pretty forgiving, honest, sweet girl for the most part... but as time goes on working with him is turning me into this fake, miserable, bitter girl. I feel fake because I put on an act for most that im perfectly happy.  I get miserable and pissy when I see him. And Im undoubtedly turning bitter. I used to tend to see the good in people. I used to give people the benefit of the doubt. Im starting to think all men that get interested in me just turn out to be liars or they are just in it for the sex. . And its obvious to me what changed me. Him.

I've been told to just ride it out.. but who wants to live a life where you are perfectly fine until you see your ex every other day.. or you know you're going to see em and you get anxiety over it. I dont think thats healthy and thats not the way I want to live.  Finding someone new, might actually work, but the thing of it is, every guy i've started talking to since we split, whatever i felt, it faded very quickly... or there was nothing there to begin with. And love or a new relationship isnt something I personally think you can go out looking for. Love and relationships always come to me when I dont see it coming. In my past experience, whenever i went out looking for someone..  i end up more dissappointed because they never turn out to be what i want. To fix this, theres only really two options... he leaves or i do. I was there for 2+ years, all my best friends work there, my boss loves me, he is the one that did the hurting, im the one the got him the job, and most girls that work there arent the biggest fans of him.. so common sense would say he'd be the one to leave. And In my heart I feel that if he ever loved me, he'd leave.. he would have left awhile ago. He made it impossible for me to work with him. And I feel if he ever actually loved me he would understand why I feel the way i feel. I mean if he were as in love with me as he says he was when we first started dating and i did all the shit he did to me, he would have a little bit of a problem seeing me. I would imagine so anyways. I mean im not in love with him anymore, but the pain and the scars are still there... and they cant seem to heal when I have to see him every  other day.But.. he wont leave. and im tired of arguing about it. Everything in me tells me not to leave penneys.. again.. for him. So idk what to do.

Look.. I have felt since we broke up pretty much, that talking about him is bad, and that if I want to ever find a new guy I need to not talk about or write about him because then it will appear that Im not over him. Well, heres the thing... if i dont get this stuff out, it stays inside bottled up.. and just because its kept inside doesnt mean i dont feel it. I feel its much more healthy to be honest about my feelings and thoughts.. and if a new guy would happen to come into my life, I would want him to know what i've felt and the things i've gone through so then he'd understand why i am the way i am.

soo i just got home.
and i feel the need to state how good of day/night i've had.

one of the best times in a while.

got my hair donne.
went out for a bit.
had dinner with my girls.
then went somewhereeee.

tee hee hee.

all in all...

i love my new hair.
i love my girls.
and oh boy do i love guys.


=)

Lately I've been thinking about  something.  It dawned on me  a few days ago. 

By the way I act, the way I dress, and the actions of the past year or so.. its safe to say that I present myself in a very sexual way. I mean yes, when I was in high school I was perverted and joked around alot .. but I never actually participated in the act of sex until college. Once I popped i couldnt stop.. so to speak. lol. I became very promiscuous... but then I met someone and I fell in love.. and it was all about him and us. However, I was still just as sexual as a person.. even more so. I mean this is kind of personal.. but he and I waited only a week after we were bf/gf to do it.. and we had fooled around prior to that. Everytime we'd go out to dinner, everytime he'd come over.. everytime we had the opportunity basically we would do it. I know when you first start dating you tend to do it alot.. but we still did it alot towards to the end. We always fucked though... it was never "making love". Scratch that, we made love once... after we broke up.  Dont get me wrong.. it was amazing when we did it.. but it was the passion that made it amazing for me. I was addicted to the passion. When we dated, yes i wanted it alot, but it wasnt always the case.. alot of time we did it it was because I felt that If i kept him satisified in bed that he wouldnt cheat on me that he wouldnt need to hit on other chicks., that the passion wouldnt die. He didnt make me feel this way.. I did it to myself because I wore low cut shirts, and short skirts, told him stories about my past, he cheated on his gf with me, i am the one that gave the sex vibe off. After we broke up, I felt that sex was the only way I could have that passion and that connection with him.. and I thought if I showed him what he was missing he'd come back. To me, sex wasnt anywhere near the most important thing in our relationship, its not what kept me with him, it wasnt most of the relationship to me.. but in the end I felt that sex  wasnt the only reason he was with me, but it was pretty big reason.

BUT HERES THE THING....
I do like sex. Actually I love it. I do start things alot. However.. I want to be made love to sometimes.Not fucked. I dont want to feel that I need to use sex to keep a guy interested in just me. And sex can never bring someone back.When it comes down to it.... I am a complete hopeless romantic, no matter how much I have talked about sex. I want a guy that makes it special, flowers, music playing all that. I mean i dont expect it to be like that all the time. but.. I want a guy that makes love to me... not all the time.. I like it to be.. well.. fucking sometimes.I cant blame my ex cause Its my fault for presenting myself that way. In the end, In a relationship.. I want friendship, chemistry, passion, honesty, trust, and great sex. Sex isnt everything. I certainly dont mind having it alot.. but I want romance as well. I crave it. I mean i still might wear some revealing things.. but not as much as I used to. Im young though, im gunna dress provoctivately sometimes. I have learned my lesson though.. and thats what matters in the end.